A 5-step morning routine to embrace your existential dread ☕️

  1. Wake up in the morning and slowly open your eyes to acknowledge life’s strangeness. Make your way to the kitchen, and try not to speak to the French philosopher hidden behind your coat hanger as you make your way to the kitchen.
Sartre, an interpretation (2019) ©

2. Brew some fresh coffee, also known as « anxiety juice » 🥤, to embrace your upcoming dread about life. By 10 am, you should remember that we’re all going to die.

3. While drinking the burning-hot beverage, sit down, and open one of Nietzsche’s books that the dog-sitter accidentally left in between your couch’s cushions last time she came in to sit Henri, your French bulldog 🐶. Or the door hinges section of the Home Depot catalog that’s been on your coffee table for the last 6 months for no reason. Either or is fine, nothing matters anyway!

Coffee pot of death ©

4. Once you’re done keeping up with the day’s news and the last innovations in terms of door hinges, go outside and take a cold shower 🚿 using your garden hose. Cold water will help your blood flow and will bring you closer to the Source (that is, the wastewater treatment plant 2 miles away from your house, also known as The Infamous Cancer Factory because it was built in the 50s on buried nuclear waste — but who gives a shit? Not us!).

5. Make yourself a nice, nutritious breakfast 🍳. Don’t forget vegetables are good for you! A Bloody Mary should do. 😉If you’re on a diet, a tequila slammer is a good alternative: make sure you spray the lemon juice into your eyes to keep the calories low!

You’re ready to go ! Have fun, and don’t forget that what you feel on the inside, is what you project on the outside! Luckily enough, the Universe is made of 99.9999999 percent empty space, and so are you! Awesome!

Eyedrops ©



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Emilie Fenaughty

Emilie Fenaughty

French-American writer. Comedian. Traveller. Witch. Featured on VICE (fr) — or how I got paid to investigate life instead of going to therapy. Paris//Chicago