Ce qu’il nous reste à faire.

Partout autour de moi, le même son de cloche. Depuis plusieurs semaines, nous sommes conviés, forcés au silence. Personne n’est encore venu nous bâillonner, quand bien même l’autorité voudrait nous imposer des oeillères. Non, le mutisme qui se crée est le fruit d’un monstre aux méthodes plus insidieuses. Alors qu’on aurait pu penser le confinement, les épreuves de 2020, capables de tisser davantage de lien, de permettre un retour à ceux qui vivent avec nous, à ceux qui nous entourent, occultant un instant l’attrait du nouveau et du mondain dans un monde où le divertissement se confine désormais à nos salons et à nos écrans, la pauvreté de nos vies nous enferme dans le silence. « J’ai eu mon frère au téléphone hier, nous n’avions plus rien à nous raconter au bout de cinq minutes ». Son de cloche entendu au parc, son de cloche vécu, retentissant dans mon salon aussi. Son de cloche couvre la ville, rend tout le reste inaudible. 2020, année du rien à dire parce que rien de vécu. …

A 2020-shitshow inspired business.

Amidst global chaos, some business ideas are to flourish more than others. At “Right Next Door”, we know how to spot an opportunity when we see one. Born out of the greatest minds the “start-up nation” and inspired by the recent global lockdown, our one-of-a-kind travel agency has everything you could hope for regarding innovative excursions in 2020.

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Ever dreamt of going to Paris, France? Or to visit Istanbul? Get lost in the Siberian tundra while horseback riding? Escape a violent death by air strike in Syria? Well, unless you already live in one of these beautiful regions, your plans are pretty much thwarted by the current state of things — we’re referring to the global pandemic happening right now, which has had us wish for more proficient ways to travel to outer space. But, ha, spaceships are still too expensive for all of us to just get the fuck outta here. That’s why, here, right here, at “Right Next Door”, we have decided to make “ local less dull”. And let me tell you, we have some very rich ideas about where to take you in 2020. …

This is all just a misunderstanding.

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All illustrations ©Emilie Fenaughty

Dear all,
First and foremost, let me bring to your attention that it was never in my intention to hurt your feelings. It wasn’t in my plans either to be born under the realm of the stars and to be a feeble human being under the dictature of the Universe.

That said, if I am to hurt your feelings in the coming weeks, or have hurt your feelings recently, please let it be known that none of it was intended and that I am a mere puppet to the stars and cosmic energies.

To my boss, whom I called a « Small-Dick-Energy-white-privileged-a-hole » at the last meeting: here we go again, me clumsily running my mouth not because I have ideas on how and why you made it to the top of our company in a world organized by and for white males, or about the way you rule the office, but just because some cosmic god decided words should be blurted out my mouth. Let it be known that, even though you may have understood something completely different when I said it, I’m pretty positive « Small-Dick-Energy » referred accurately to that one Little Richard energy. And who doesn’t love to shake their booties on one of Lil’ Dicky’s mighty old tunes? …

In 2020, Apocalypse or not, we got you covered.

  1. Seasonal Depression Permanent Lipstick: Apply once, be hotter than the weather for the next six months.
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2. Post-Divorce Six-months Stay-On Waterproof Mascara: will allow you to cry your eyes out while not giving up on the dating scene’s standards for beauty and faked constant happiness. Also says: “I’m still struggling with frequent unpredictable, uncontrollable sobs but I am confident I am ready to be unreasonably codependent again.”

3. Damaged Manlihood After-Shave: Our extreme 99% alcohol formula will make your newly-shaved baby face feel like a raw iceberg for hours while allowing you to experience the right amount of physical pain to retrieve your long-lost fragile masculinity. …

Soulful living, Halloween and fashion trends: discover the secret to being the most glamorous (and darkest!) soul of the party and hear others say “damn, sinking into despair has never looked this good!”

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Photo by Larm Rmah on Unsplash

Ah… Halloween season is here and the spookiest night of the year is well on its way! But how could you make Halloween 2019 even more special? This year, we introduce to you a brand new concept that will allow you to give the chills to everyone that crosses your path on October 31st, but will especially contribute to making your Halloween experience the darkest so far! Ladies, please welcome… THE DARK NIGHT OF THE SOUL HALLOWEEN COSTUME!

Nothing to do with Batman here. After 2018 being all about the opioid epidemic, and trendy 2017 being about white patriarchy, 2019 is here to ground us into our true beings by revealing our darkest parts to…ourselves! …

From Sisyphus’s very own personal life coach, to you.

  1. Wake up in the morning and slowly open your eyes to acknowledge life’s strangeness. Make your way to the kitchen, and try not to speak to the French philosopher hidden behind your coat hanger as you make your way to the kitchen.
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Sartre, an interpretation (2019) ©

2. Brew some fresh coffee, also known as « anxiety juice » 🥤, to embrace your upcoming dread about life. By 10 am, you should remember that we’re all going to die.

3. While drinking the burning-hot beverage, sit down, and open one of Nietzsche’s books that the dog-sitter accidentally left in between your couch’s cushions last time she came in to sit Henri, your French bulldog 🐶. Or the door hinges section of the Home Depot catalog that’s been on your coffee table for the last 6 months for no reason.

Yoga pants, herbal tea and Julia Roberts movies labeled as “inspiring”? Let us tell you where you are on your spiritual path.

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So here you are, a full-grown badass woman, who’s learned to trust her gut and go for what she deserves. You have worked your way through many of life’s vicissitudes, and have learned to challenge society’s self-limiting beliefs imposed on you. You wear high-heels if you want to, and sneakers if you want to, and even sometimes both at the same time, and you’re not even ashamed of that weird Dr House walk it gives you — or of pretending you’re a handicapped person to get first in line at the grocery store, for that matter. YOU OWN LIFE. …

This piece was written 3 years ago as my mom was struggling with battling the cancer that took her away and as I had just gotten back from living with her in the South of France, to Paris.

I was about to turn 25 and an only child and going back and forth the two cities while trying to keep my head above water at a time where I was supposed to finish my degree and start a job. These were the darkest times of my life and a long walk has been walked since then. After my mom passed, I flew away, and struggled with high-functioning depression and nihilism for quite some time before I was able to believe in anything again. It took time to be able to laugh wholeheartedly again and get away from the self-pity, but I made it. …

In the North-East of France, a not-so-famous region deserves a gold medal for its gorgeous landscapes and friendly inhabitants.

I always thought I’d have to travel far to enjoy my breath being taken away by some glorious landscape. Little did I know that only two hours and half away from Paris existed what was to become my favorite region in the country, if not in the world. What if I told you Franche-Comté has everything you can ask from the French countryside? …

Things you deserve as a human being but easily forget about when you work three different jobs for minimum wage and are too busy catching up with the Kardashians!

Universal free healthcare: who needs healthcare when you have baking soda, which basically is the remedy to ALL health issues, as well as the main ingredient to having clean bathroom stalls. All this time spent nervously waiting at the dentist’s when all I needed was just a little powder to say goodbye to cavities and all my pains. They just don’t tell you that where I come from, and those fools just give you free healthcare whether you’re poor…OR RICH. …


Emilie Fenaughty

French-American writer. Comedian. Traveler. Witch. Featured on VICE (fr) — or how I got paid to write about my life instead of going to therapy. Paris//Chicago

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