15 New Emotional Support Beauty Products You Didn’t Know You Needed Before Shit Went Down

In 2020, Apocalypse or not, we got you covered.

  1. Seasonal Depression Permanent Lipstick: Apply once, be hotter than the weather for the next six months.

2. Post-Divorce Six-months Stay-On Waterproof Mascara: will allow you to cry your eyes out while not giving up on the dating scene’s standards for beauty and faked constant happiness. Also says: “I’m still struggling with frequent unpredictable, uncontrollable sobs but I am confident I am ready to be unreasonably codependent again.”

3. Damaged Manlihood After-Shave: Our extreme 99% alcohol formula will make your newly-shaved baby face feel like a raw iceberg for hours while allowing you to experience the right amount of physical pain to retrieve your long-lost fragile masculinity.

4. Hide Your Burn-Out 144-hour Concealer: Remain looking “Fresh and Awake” for the people in your life as you’re indeed about to collapse on your knees while juggling with your middle to high-responsibility day job, three kids, your dog and your horny husband. Who cares about what you are going through when your complexion looks THIS good?

5. I Got Ghosted Pink Blush: pairs well with our Post-Divorce Mascara. Comes in different shades.

6. Toxic Masculinity Beard Softener: You’ve been told all your life that big bois don’t cry and now find yourself having a real hard time finding a mate that will cope with your BS, long-term? Take a first step towards healing from obsolete gender roles and allow the softness in your beard — and your heart.

7. Upset Inner Child Talcum Powder: Remove any trauma from your parent’s divorce and get rid of your abandonment issues while soothing your butt cheeks!

8. My Therapist Went On A Four-Week Vacation Moisturizer: as you’re dying a bit more everyday, keep your face moisturized while waiting for the return of your savior. Hydrate.

9. Holidays At The Step-Parents Anti-Aging Serum: Scared you’ll be taking on 10 years on your face as well as the 10lbs you usually put on this time a year? Fear not your step-father’s xenophobic rants with our Life Serum specifically formulated for the holidays.

10. PMS Detoxifying Active Charcoal Face Mask: let your appearance match the color of your soul for a few minutes as you’re about to hit your period. If you can’t remove the black spots from your life, at least remove them from your face or die trying!

11. A Life Under Capitalism Sunless Tanning: Who needs a vacation when you can look like you just spent two weeks in the Caribbean while still hustling 60 hours a week, 52-weeks a year? Who?

12. Eco-Anxiety Organic Shampoo Bar: Also known as the Great-Greta-Thunberg-Related-Big-Freak-Out-Syndrome (GGTRBFOS) in the DSM-V, eco-anxiety can affect the quality of your hair in ways you wouldn’t believe. Give them a life boost with our specifically-formulated solid shampoo. Because when everything finally burns around you, you’re gonna want to have hair thicker than the Rain Forest!

13. Permanent Existential Dread Face Scrub: If you can’t shake the meaninglessness off, at least get rid of your dead skin cells while you await for every other body cell to join in.

14. Spiritual Dead-End Hair Bleach: Perfect for removing dark hair from your upper lip. Sit down and relax while the bleach does its job and the ammoniac emanations (and some other stuff we put in our secret formula) take you on a trip you’ll never forget. Who knew bleaching your hair could open your Third Eye like that? (We also sell specifically designed saline solution as well as Third-Eyebrow-Twizzlers who know great success)

15. We’re-all-gonna-die Eye Whitening Drops: now we are certain of the fact that humanity will trespass from something as simple as a flu because we confronted the Gods by eating pangolins and other bats and shit, just make your eyes *POP* above your face mask. They’re your smile now baby, treat them as is. Who cares if you’ve got black teeth anymore, or any tooth at all for that matter!

French-American writer. Comedian. Traveler. Witch. Featured on VICE (fr) — or how I got paid to write about my life instead of going to therapy. Paris//Chicago

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